shook_the_world

Last night/this morning was Phrom, our fake Prom that we have done two years in a row now. But this year we had alcohol. *bwahaha*

First of all, Megan started off with Captain Morgan and coke mix which lead her to be tanked for most of the night. She drank more than that, of course, but the Captain really did a number on her. Especially when Alex, her boyfriend, left - the fun really started then. First of all, I was more than a wee bit worried about her because she seemed really intoxicated, but I was drunk too, so it was probably paranoia. Anyway, I kept giving her water and she basically spilled 99% of it and drank the other one percent. Then we went outside because Rachel had set up a pinata and we were trying to break it - all of us drunk at this point. While we were out there Megan asked me "Am I being a jerk?" and I said "No", because she wasn't and she was like "Oh you're just saying that 'cause you are so sweet - you're just saying that 'cause you are a good friend" and when we decided that doing a pinata outside with a bunch of underaged drunk people was not a good idea, she said, "JM, you should - you should stick with me. You're a good friend". So we hung out some more, both of us laughing at stupid shit and falling on the floor and stuff like that. She kept whispering into my ear and since she was soooooooo drunk, she would kinda fall into my face and my side and I had to help her stand up, or at least keep her from falling.

She kissed me on the cheek a few times too. Once was because she was kissing everyone in the room, and the other time was because we were dancing to a song and at the end of it she kissed me. And there were a few times where we were hugging/holding each other out of drunkedness and sillyness. Plus, she accidentally fondled my boob as she was trying to walk by. I think she was grabbing it for support. Hahaha.

For whatever reason, Megan is really into me when she's drunk. We always end up dancing together and giggling. Last night she's like "Sometimes I wonder if I'm a lesbian. *hahaha* Just kidding! Just kidding!" Haha, poor Alex. ;0)

Daisy, my grandpa's dog, died yesterday. . .I think? I just heard about it today. I cried. I'm still crying. I don't know what to do. :0(

First of all, I'll start off with the good happy news. Sunday night Megan had a girl's night cocktail party at her house because her parents and sister were in Vegas at the time. Well, I got drunk - for the first time in my life, and it was quite magical. We were drinking vodka(which is my drink of choice so far) and it took five glasses of that to get me drunk. Me and Megan were drunk at the same time, and soon the booze was gone, so we did something incredibly stupid and took a shot of vanilla extract. Yes, you read that right, vanilla fucking extract! She poured it in our glasses and we smelt it and were really hesitant, but I said "Maybe we should put water in it", so we did. It was still nasty, but we didn't die so that was good. There was a point earlier in the night when Megan was drunk already and I was getting there, and I said something funny and she laughed into me - you know, like almost into a hug - and touched my boob! And then later when Megan, me and Hil were drunk and dancing around in Megala's basement, Megan and Hil had gum and I really wanted some. I saw Hilary with it first, so I was like "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil, I want your guuuuuuuuuum!" and she giggled and her and Megan came towards me, and then Hilary was like, "Oh no, you want MEGAN's gum!" and I was like "YES!" so Megan gave me her gum and I forgot I was chewing it until about three hours later when we were drunk dialing (Hilary and Rachel were drunk and Megala and I had pretty much come off it) and we called Steff and I was like "Guess what? I'm chewing Megan's gum and it is SO gross!" Okay, maybe I was still a little drunk. Hehe. In the end it was the perfect drinking experience because no one got sick and everyone was having a blast. Of course, once Alex found out that Megan had had this party he was pissed and called us all immature. Grrr. . .

This week marks the week that my grandpa has his stroke and died. He had his stroke on the 21st last year and died on the 27th. Wednesday I wore one of his shirts that he gave me a couple weeks before his stroke. It's hard, this week. I had to work yesterday and I'm working today and tomorrow, and I really don't want to be doing anything because I'm really depressed. I still expect him to call. I still expect him to show up to visit. I still hear his voice and smell his cologne. It's still difficult to deal with, even after a whole year, and I still have boughts of sobbing incidents when I go to bed. This week will be hard on me, but if I made it through when it was actually happening, then I can make it through now.

My life seems way too overwhelming right now, even though it really isn't. My mind is stuck in a rut that I can't seem to get it out of and it just keeps dragging me down. I hate myself so much these days and I can't sleep. Ugh.
I hate feeling like this, although it seems to happen so often now that it's just making me numb.

Does he see the beauty
in the way she sleeps?
Her face a glow, showing
the woman she's become
Yet, her small hands clutching
the blanket she made
Her youth still evident.
Does he see the glint in her eyes
when she's about to burst into laughter?
Those almonds always
show the truth when her mouth
speaks lies.
Does he see the smile
when it sneaks into conversation?
The lips part enough to see
those white pillars
which never had to be straightened
by any other force than nature.
Does he know her the way I do?

Like a tattered doll
I fall
to the ground
but no one
is there to pick me up.

What do you do for me?
Cloud the pain away
for only a day
before I must be refilled
with your tainted serum.
You make me forget
days that I cried
and beared my soul
so open was I
that anyone could see
I needed you and you needed me.
How about Her?
You make me forget
that this life is not meant
for us
never
ever.
But if I forget you
if only for a while
your cloud escapes
and all is clear again.

I find myself having many days where I don't know what to do with myself. I have plenty of options, but I just sit in Steff's room and vegetate. I swear, I have never been able to shut my brain off before I met Steff and went in her room.

This isn't a good thing, though. I need to think and get everything resorted. My grandpa, my love life and my future really need attention right now, but I choose to ignore it and instead by into their games and lies.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my grandpa on some level. More often than not it is a good thing and I get to think of the things that we were able to do together. And I'm lucky, I know I am, but there is still guilt eating away at my insides - but slowly - so I don't notice it on some days.

I see Megan on a daily basis, and I think I've made a lot of progress on "letting her go" in a sense, but then again, I'm not sure, because there are those days where I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have a chance to see her. She has been one of my best friends for a while and last night she proved that to me again.

So far it looks like I'll be spending an extra semester here because I can't fit all of my classes in in just four years. I could have done it if I had went here right away instead of St. Cloud, but whatever, I can't really fix that now. It's unusual for Education majors to spend less than five or six years at school anyway, so I guess it's not so bad.

Saturday night some of us went to Nick's apartment. It was great. I think that most people went just to see Megan drunk. hehe. I drank two glasses of a vodka and cranberry juice mix. It was soooo good! Megan had, I think, four of those vodka/cranberry drinks and then two Southern Comfort and cream soda mixes. I had a sip of one of her SoCo mixes per her request. ;0)
She was drunk, for sure. I was tipsy, but not drunk. She was crawling all over people and dancing with and on people. It was great. At one point she was reinacting a line from that Ashlee Simpson song "Lala" and she was "drinking milk up off the floor" and aparently that included my leg. Hehe.

Today I moved into my new dorm room. Not many people are here today, but I'm sure tomorrow will be crazy. I've unpacked a little over half of my stuff and I probably won't get to the rest until tomorrow.
The room is nice and big. There is a lot more space for my textbooks and school stuff, which is really cool.

Megan and Hilary have not moved in yet, but I was IMing Hilary earlier tonight and she said that we all should go out and eat tomorrow night. I'm so excited to see them again, and when I see Megan, I might freak. *hehe*

Monday is the first day of classes, and quite a busy day for me. After my classes, I have an interview with America Reads, which is a tutor program for elementary school kids. It would be really awesome if I got this job, because it will look good on my resume and be a source of income. After my interview, I have to go to a dental specialist to check on a tooth. I might need to get a root canal, which I am hoping I don't, because it will probably be painful and around 300 dollars, which is more money than I have. Finally, after that, it is my brother's tenth birthday, and I'm going home to celebrate. It should be fun.

I haven't felt like myself for a long, long time now. The only time when I'm close to that feeling is when I am with my friends or my immediate family. It seems as though my brain is filled with a million thoughts but it can hold have as many. Too much on my mind, of course.

Maybe I don't feel like myself because that part of me is gone, because I'm becoming an adult. I really liked that "old me". Well, certain parts of her being. Maybe this is my chance to take the new me with the best of the old me and move forward.

Hilary told me that I seem way happier since coming to St. Kates. She said, "You seem a lot happier here than in St. Cloud. Even your body looks happier - get what I mean". I do get it.

I'm excited for the new semester, even though it starts on the 30th. I'm excited for my classes, but I'm also a little scared about my new living arrangements. I'm sure I'll be fine, but I'm going to be FEET away from Megan now instead of across campus. If I play my cards right, it could be a very valuable experience and growing opporotunity for me. Let's hope.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILY!

Even though I love being "in the driver's seat" of my life, I wish that someone could take over for me once in a while. I get myself into these corners of my mind and I can't escape them. I find guilt or sadness in abundance in these corners, like unmined caves. Worry is always the seedling, though. The culprit when I think about my life and my standings.

I tell myself that if I had my driver's license, a car and a job, I would be happier - more complete. Those are the things that separate me from my peers. That's one of the main problems, I feel lesser of a human being in respect to my peers.

But I'm trying. I promise you that. I'm trying to get these things, so I can enjoy my life more. So on my 20th birthday this May, I can say with confidence, that I'm an adult.

On another note, Megan has posted a few pictures from Spain on her facebook. Here are my favorites:( Read more... )

I miss Megan!

She updated about her life in Spain yesterday(her time) and I was so glad to read it, but it just makes me miss her more. I'm not going to let her know how much I miss her, because that would only make her feel bad and I really just want her to be happy. And I'm trying to be happy for her, and I am - really, but I do miss her so!

Look here: the story.
I used to live at 1190 Main Street. *haha* This explains why there were pot plants in grandpa's yard.

My dad accidentally found the story, and showed me the link. You can watch a video of it, my old house isn't the one shown.

Weird.

I went on vacation with my family and I forgot to mention that I was going to be gone before I went! Ooops! Sorry! I wonder if I even had a chance to get on the computer, since my brother spends most of his waking hours on it. . .

Anywhoo, my family trip was so, so wonderful. While riding in the van('cause we drove to Pittsburgh), I got to spend a lot of time thinking about me and my life and where I want to be in respect to where I am right now. It was good to sort out my thoughts and just have that time to clear my head. We stopped in Rockford, Illinois on the first night and Columbus, Ohio the second night. While we were in Pittsburgh, we stayed at a Conley Inn. Visiting my dad's family was very nice, and it's funny, because everyone is so much older than us. Like Mary Ann, my dad's sister, is 64 and I have a cousin who is 42. Everyone was sweet and funny and asked us about how we were. It was just a really positive experience. Getting back was interesting because the weather was not really cooperating with us. My mom decided that we should make a three day trip a two day one just so we could have that extra day to wait out the weather. She knew that I wanted to go to Rachel's New Years Eve bash, and my sister had plans for that night, too. We drove all the way from Pittsburgh to Rockford the first night and ended up going from there all the way home the second night, although the weather made the roads icy and dangerous. But we made it back in one piece, thankfully, and when we settled for a bit we opened Christmas presents.

I spent New Years Eve at Rachel's, and I got to see all of my friends, which was so wonderful. I bought a new dress earlier that day with the Christmas money I got from my aunt Mary Ann and my Godfather PJ. It was a blast and it was so great to see everyone there.

Megan's flight for Spain was at 10:30 this morning, and I assume it went well.

I've been having a hard time sleeping these last few days, and I'm not sure why.

I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to get tested for diabetes(most of my dad's side has it) and to get birth control since my periods get all wacky on me when I'm at school. I hope I get them right away, because this is supposed to be my "bad" month and with Megan gone it will be really bad. I'm going to mention my mood swings to my doctor when I go, so she can perscribe the correct type of birth control.

I finally have time to write a real update on my life as it is.
This week was finals week. I only had one "real" final in my Environmental Biology class, but it was a take home. Otherwise I had a paper for my comm. class, and a poem to recite and a portfolio for my creative writing class. I'm pretty confident with all of these classes. My creative writing class was more difficult than I expected, but I learned a lot about my writing and how to improve it. It was a very good experience.

Yesterday I moved from Stanton to Whitby. Stanton is one of the three freshman dorms on campus and Whitby is one of the two upper classmen dorms on campus. Whitby is also where Hilary and Megan live. The first two floors of Whitby are classrooms and prof's offices, so the third and fourth floors are dorms. I now live on the fourth floor, which is the floor that Megan lives on. Hilary lives on third.

I expect January to still be a challenge, but I'll worry about it when it comes.
Next week on the 22nd we are driving out of town to visit my dad's side of the family in Pittsburgh, because we were going to do it this summer. I'm really excited to see them, but still sad, because a lot of my high school friends won't be around too long after I get back.
Hilary is throwing a New Years party at Nick's(her boyfriend) apartment. I will most likely be back in time for that and it will be my last chance to see Megan before she's in Spain.
Anyway, I'm glad to finally be home. It seemed like these last few days have been taking forever. . .but I'm going to enjoy my break. :0)

Here are some pictures, I'll put the information up soon *lol*. Damn finals!

( Read more... )

Things have been good latey. Busy, but good. The end of the semester is next Friday, and I have quite a few papers to write. But I'm not too worried about it right now. I only have two finals and they are on the thirteenth and fourteenth. Then I get to go home for the break and J-term. So that means that I won't have classes again until the 30th of January which is so nice.

Last night was a Charity Ball, and I will go into more detail of that later(with pictures!). Megan made a basket for the Charity Ball(that's what they were auctioning off to raise money for the Red Cross). It was called, "Cuddle up with a good book" and it had a blanket that she made(one of those tie-ones. . .you know what I mean?), two books, and a lot of chocolate. It was silently auctioned off, and of course I bid for it and won it. Haha. I wanted to bid for something since it was for charity and all, so what better one to bid for, right? I would have bid for one of the Puppy Kit ones(they had toys and food and stuff like that in the basket), but I don't have a puppy at the moment(I would like one, though).
I figured the blanket that she made would give me some comfort during J-term when she's in Spain. I don't mean to be dramatic, and I hope I don't sound like it, but it's going to be difficult without her here. It's only a month, but it's also 30 days, 720 hours, 43,200 minutes and 2,592,000 seconds. Without her.

I'm looking forward to next semester already. My Monday Wednesday Friday classes end at 10:40am and my Tuesday Thursday classes end at 3:10pm, rather than the 4:40pm and 5pm days that I have now. I'm still looking for a job, but I did drop off an application at Barnes&Noble on Tuesday.

Yay! A positive entry!
Today I spent a few hours with the Megsters, and we basically had a short-lived adventure. She needed to go to Walgreens to get her picture taken and not wanting to go alone, she texted me asking me if I wanted to go. I thought about it for about .0003 seconds and texted her saying "Hell yes!". . .not really. So I walked to the CDC(main building) and walked around for two minutes before I saw her walking down the hall, with her phone in hand. Haha, she was text messaging me back! Or, as she put it: "I was like 'Hello JeanMar. . .ie?!'".
So we walked to her car and it was frozen shut and covered in snow! I started to swish the snow off of it as she unlocked the driver's side door and discovered it was frozen shut. So then she tried the passenger side door and found out it was locked, also. So we then tried to free the snow/ice from the seals of the door. She used her key and I used one of my fingers. She kept going back and forth from my door to hers and by the third time she went back to her door, with luck and brute strength(haha), I opened my door. After about another 20 minutes of screwing around and heating up the car, her door opened and we started our trek to Walgreens. Unfortunately we only made it a block away from the school before she decided that it was too stupid and dangerous to try and go to Walgreens during rush hour and a snow fall. So we went back and decided to eat dinner.
As we walked back, she talked to me about Alex and how they almost broke up and stuff like that. To be honest, I don't know how much longer it's going to ask. During an argument they were having, she asked, "Are you breaking up with me?" and he replied, "Not yet". Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good for them.
Anyway, we got back to the CDC and started to mill around for food and she was telling me more about Alex and she said, "You're my confidant, but not with all the icky details like Lingen gives you". Awww. That made me happy. :0) (Lingen tells me about her sex life in GREAT detail).
So we went into the Pulse and ate our meal, and I gave her her gift, which she seemed to like. It was funny, when she got to the box part she was like, "Is this an engagement ring? 'Cause if it is, we're in trouble!". Hahaha, I wish. ;0) But when she opened it she said "Awww" and "You didn't have to give me something so nice" and stuff like that. I told her that I knew how much her religion meant to her, so I got her the cross. She kept looking at it. Hehe. She said that she was going to wear it to the charity ball this friday, which made me happy. :0) She also mentioned that she was "still working on your Christmas present". I know she's knitting a scarf for Hilary, so I'm guessing it's something like that. I'm really excited to get it! Something that she made for me! I'll be wearing it all the damn time! *hehe*
Here is a picture from this weekend, which I will talk about later:
( picture )